OPENING EXCERPT FROM "NOT EVERYONE POOPS"

June 1998 Somewhere, Japan
Draft #7
 

Dear Taro Gomi,

Though I respect you as a person I do not respect your opinion and that is exactly what your book is, an opinion. Not fact! In fact, it’s just a load of crap. Pun intended.

After years of pain and frustration, of constant hiding and flat out lack of understanding which is to be expected because there is no information on the subject at hand, I stand here, possibly alone, to defend the truth.

Listen well Mr. Gomi. An elephant may do it, a mouse may do it and even a little Japanese boy might do it, BUT not everyone poops. So stop saying it. Stop writing it. Stop selling copies of your book of lies.

I hate you Mr. Gomi. You are a mean, insensitive man who has no idea what it means to be umm, poopless. Yeah! Poopless. No, what? Dumb Henri. Dumb. Constipated? Without digestion? Unable to defecate? Defecateless? NOT A WORD HENRI! Oh, but poopless is? Use your brain.

Without the number two. Just a number one, please. I use less toilet paper. Saves money! And that’s important.

Crap. What the hell am I writing? I’m writing crap about crap. Crap in my intestines. Crap in my tummy. No crap in the toilet.

Mr. Gomi, I am a loser who cannot poop. I want to. This isn’t a lifestyle choice. But I can’t. And it hurts. It has silently destroyed, or better yet, been the driving force of destruction throughout my life.

I am 18 years old Mr. Gomi and your book, “Everyone Poops” is giving me a complex. Fix it. ‘Cause no one else knows how.

Sincerely,

Henrietta M. James

P.S. Dumb, I can’t send this.