OPENING EXCERPT FROM "NOT EVERYONE POOPS"

June 1998 Somewhere, Japan
Draft #7
 

Dear Taro Gomi,

Though I respect you as a person I do not respect your opinion and that is exactly what your book is, an opinion. Not fact! In fact, it’s just a load of crap. Pun intended.

After years of pain and frustration, of constant hiding and flat out lack of understanding which is to be expected because there is no information on the subject at hand, I stand here, possibly alone, to defend the truth.

Listen well Mr. Gomi. An elephant may do it, a mouse may do it and even a little Japanese boy might do it, BUT not everyone poops. So stop saying it. Stop writing it. Stop selling copies of your book of lies.

I hate you Mr. Gomi. You are a mean, insensitive man who has no idea what it means to be umm, poopless. Yeah! Poopless. No, what? Dumb Henri. Dumb. Constipated? Without digestion? Unable to defecate? Defecateless? NOT A WORD HENRI! Oh, but poopless is? Use your brain.

Without the number two. Just a number one, please. I use less toilet paper. Saves money! And that’s important.

Crap. What the hell am I writing? I’m writing crap about crap. Crap in my intestines. Crap in my tummy. No crap in the toilet.

Mr. Gomi, I am a loser who cannot poop. I want to. This isn’t a lifestyle choice. But I can’t. And it hurts. It has silently destroyed, or better yet, been the driving force of destruction throughout my life.

I am 18 years old Mr. Gomi and your book, “Everyone Poops” is giving me a complex. Fix it. ‘Cause no one else knows how.

Sincerely,

Henrietta M. James

P.S. Dumb, I can’t send this.

BOXING MATCH BEGINS!!!!!

ANNOUNCER:

Welcome Ladies and Gentleman to the MAIN EVENT!
     (Audience Cheers.)

Fighting out of the top red corner, this vital all-time fighting organ has never said uncle, unless it's to say, "Piss off Uncle Stan!"

Put your hands together for thhhhhhhe BRAIN!
     (Audience hoots and screams. A
     young girl faints.)

Fighting out of the bottom brown corner, this instigating muscle challenger doesn't take any crap unless you eat it!

Don't be mislead, it may take it, buuuuuuut you can't make it digest it!

Scaling in at an amazing average of 20 feet, thhhhhhhhh INTESTINES!
     (Audience boos and stomps their
     feet. Past-Prime fruits and veggies
     fly toward the ring. A grandma
     eating a hot dog throws up.)

You know the rules folks. Last man standing. To the death!
     (Audience stomping builds louder
     and menacing.)

There will be blood. There will be puke.

There will be noxious gas.
     (Air sanitizer canisters are
     handed out to the audience as
     they pull out clear rain jackets
     from under their seats. A little
     boy, ANTHONY, eating a lollipop
     screams as his mother attempts
     to put on his rain jacket. He
     sticks out his tongue and pulls
     her hair leaving her sobbing. She
     gives up and covers herself. 
     ANTHONY smiles and flicks a booger
     at the man in front of him.)

But we all want answered: Will...there...be...POOP?!

STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!

Brought to you by GLADE, TARPFACTORYOUTLET.COM and GEORGE the PUKE BUCKET!
     (Advertisements of each product
     flash on screen in the background.)

Leeeeeets Get Ready to Rrrrrrrrrrrrumble!

DING! DING! DING!

FOUND IN PAPERBACK AND ALL EBOOKS:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/122663 

 

http://amazon.com

http://barnesandnoble.com

http://createspace.com

DON'T FORGET TO LEAVE A REVIEW ON AMAZON!

Thank you and HAPPY READING!!!

WHAT'S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY?

Engulfed in anxiety, frustration and constant constipation, Henrietta Martha James spends her time writing angry letters to Taro Gomi, the acclaimed author of “Everyone Poops.” She is demanding a formal apology...an explanation...the possibility of rewrites...or at least a change to the title of his book because she, Henrietta, does not poop. Well, not like “everyone” does.

Growing up with an illness that doctors struggle to diagnose, Henrietta constantly hears how she is “supposed” to be, while discovering that “normal” does not apply to her – at least not the way her body works. A humorous and painful real-life journey into the world of digestive disorders, her story brings to light one of life’s dirty little secrets.

Not Everyone Poops

FRUSTRATION DISSIPATES TO STUBBORNESS

It can be discouraging to hear no constantly, but I know somewhere in my stubborn soul, that some reviewer will find my book's topic relevant enough to their newspaper, blog, website or Celiac chapter newsletter to publish an actual review.

I just have to keep trying...

Next step: 
1. Bathroom advertisments?
-It's a book about what happens or doesn't happen there
2. Billboards?
-Works for catching criminals
3. Buying an impartial book review on Kirkus Reviews?
-Muy caro/expensive

Heck it all is. I'm best spent where I belong, in front of the computer writing but I'm not ready to throw in the towel on marketing and promotions.

In fact, I'm just getting started.

MARKETING...Where next?

It is official.

I have sent over 500 emails to different media sources including newspapers, local television stations and shows, and Celiac newsletters informing them of my book about digestive disorders and kindly asking for a review.

I've heard back from 15. I honestly can't complain about the number. I'm just happy to hear back from someone. Out of the 15 that I've heard back from 12 agreed to write a review.

Now I just sit back and wait.

But, I'm not good at waiting. It's time to step up my imagination and find another resource in promoting my book.

I've been emailing Amazon Reviewers hoping to get a bite but out of the 50 emails sent but only 3 have responded back--each saying that they love my books concept but that they are so overwhelmed with books to review that they feel it would be unfair to take another one on. It could be a polite decline or the truth but either way it is still a no.

Roadblocks are not the end of the world; frustrating, annoying and disheartening yes, but I won't stop until I am satisfied I have tried every avenue in marketing my book.

So, where to next?

MARKETING YOUR BOOK

I've found that they are right about marketing your own book, especially as a self-publisher.

"They" being every website that I've read on the act of marketing. 

1.   It takes guts.
2.   It takes balls.
3.   Gusto my friend!
4.   It is hard not to feel slighted.
5.   Be innovative.
6.   Don't give up.
7.   Give up. Then, get back on the horse.
8.   Gallop.
9.   Have no fear.
10. You will be afraid.
11. Annoyed.
12. And frustrated.
13. But.
14. You.
15. Must.
16. NEVER.
17. Stop.
18. Believing.
19. In you.
20. Keep trying.

A dash of hope. A sprig of possibility. And some luck always helps. 

Without those 3 you still have 1 thing, 1 very important thing.

A book. You published a book.

Be proud.